So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

**********************************************************

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

**********************************************************

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

**********************************************************

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

***********************************************************

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me.

************************************************************

You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

*************************************************************

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"

**************************************************************

"Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife."

***************************************************************

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

****************************************************************

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

******************************************************************

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

*******************************************************************

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

********************************************************************

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!
I never knew what evil was before this!"

********************************************************************

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************

"Happy Birthday!" You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

*********************************************************************

"When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise."

************************************************************************

"I'm so miserable without you,
It's almost like you're here."

***********************************************************************

"You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

***********************************************************************

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
- so we're having you put to sleep."

************************************************************************

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Kentucky and West Virginia)