She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. 

She is not an UNTOUCHABLE SNOB - She is a SCRATCH RESISTANT MODEL. 

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. 

She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED. 

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. 

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. 

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. 

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. 

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. 

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. 

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. 

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. 

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. 

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. 

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. 

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. 

She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. 

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. 

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. 

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. 

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. 

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. 

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE 

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 

She is not LOOSE - She is ELASTICALLY UNDERPRIVILEGED. 

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. 

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.