19 Clues

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19 CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT

You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
You start crying.
There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
You've forgotten where you live.
You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like a pizza.
You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down
Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.