FOR SALE -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

West Virginia ..... Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS (Void where prohibited by law)

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was damn near impossible.