On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how . . .?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Too Late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day . . . )

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a newsflash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly United.)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a spate of this happening somewhere? My God!)